LIANA KUPFERMAN

Imagine this scene: your father has separated from his mother, married another woman, and had one daughter. After a few years, the couple got divorced and you kept in touch with his ex-wife and his half-sister. One fine day, you receive a request on Facebook: Your ex-stepmother wants to add make her a member of the family. “Select the relationship”, it says in the request. Between the

options, nothing that looks like “mother of my sister", "my father's ex-wife" or even “ex-stepmother”. And now, Facebook? This happened with a journalist from CRESCER and it is only one of the delicate (and even funny) that may arise from the new family configurations, called mosaic-families.

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Former stepmothers, former stepfathers, and former stepchildren are part of a new type of relationship that is always well understood by the different parties who are involved in this “social web”. On one side is the child, who loses a person

with whom he/she created affective bonds and lived during years at the side of the father or mother. On the other, one

adult who also became fond of the small and now she/he has to deal with moving away from the person that son who, legally, is not

his. In the midst of it all, there is still the mother or the child's biological father, who has to deal with her relationship with a person who was a partner of the ex or the ex. “The first thing to consider is the proximity between the stepfather or stepmother and the stepson. Many lose contact because it is very difficult to maintain the relationship, especially if the children are too young to express their desires. They need to be committed and determined to make the relationship work,” says English psychologist Lisa Doodson, a stepmother for more than ten years and author of the book.

How To Be a Happy Stepmum

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Forever Connected

When a couple with children from other relationships separates, the first point that needs to be accepted is that the ex-stepfather's relationship with the child will have to change.

If before he lived together and also played the role of responsible, now that is no longer valid. “The dynamics have to be remodeled. The ex-partner needs to understand the limits of his opinion on the child's education. He can maintain affective bonds, but he is no longer responsible for his ex-stepson”, explains family psychologist Liana Kupferman, who works with adults and children in São Paulo.

Too complicated? Not for journalist Renato Kaufmann, 37, columnist for CRESCER, father of Lucia, 3, and ex-stepfather of Maria, 11. “I separated last October after a six-year relationship. Even if Maria wasn't my daughter's sister, I would be devastated if I couldn't see her. I love her with passion and she adores me”, says Renato. In his house, the guest room is also called “Maria's room” and, whenever he can, he takes the two of them for walks, to the movies. “Stepfather has one foot in 'being a father' and one foot in 'being a friend. I miss playing video games with my ex-stepdaughter and helping her through levels.” Currently, the journalist also maintains contact with Maria's father, whom he calls “compadre”, and is experiencing the opposite situation: his ex-wife has remarried and now it is Lucia who has a stepfather.

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When the relationship between the ex-couple is healthy and relatively harmonious, it is easier to make room for this person who was once part of the child's life. Rosangela Santos, 47 years old, was separated and already had a 6-year-old daughter when she started another relationship.

The relationship lasted three years and they did not live together, but the boy and the girl formed a very strong friendship. “He was the one who gave us our dog, who is the baby of the girl.
my daughter. When we broke up a year and a half ago, she realized what was going on and we talked about it. She was sad, but she understood.” This moment is very important so as not to create a traumatic situation for the child, especially since he has already gone through the separation of his parents and may have a second disappointment with this new breakup. “If the couple is unable to talk about it, they can ask someone from the family to talk to the child, easing her suffering”, says Eliana de Barros, psychopedagogue and director of Colégio Global (SP).

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What you can't do is give little importance to how this change will affect your child's life, who is in the middle of it unintentionally. His feelings should always come first, so listen to what he has to say and respect his desire to want (or not) keep in touch with his ex-stepfather or ex-stepmother. “The best advice is to keep all communication windows open. This can be difficult at first, because of the hurt and anger that one adult can have towards the other, but after a while, both can reconsider and discuss possibilities for agreement,” says psychologist Lisa Doodson. Rosângela still talks to her ex, although the two are not friends. The friendship between him and his daughter lasted. “He always calls to see how she's doing, worries about her grades at school, and drops by the house from time to time to visit. He is more present than the biological father. She also calls when she is homesick and the relationship between the two of them doesn't bother me,” he says. This person's presence in your child's life doesn't necessarily have to be physical. There are other ways to maintain a long-distance connection when meetings are not possible.

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Banker Bia Losso, 34, for example, lives in São Paulo and has two ex-stepchildren in the interior of the state, children of her ex-husband, who is in Bahia. They were married for ten years and he already had two children, one biological and one adopted, at the time aged 7 and 5. Together, they had Rafael, who is now 7. “At first, I was jealous of the mother of his children. I was too young. Afterward, we became friends and she even liked to send the boys over to our house if I was with her. They always vacationed with us,” she recalls. The farewell was not easy and Bia felt the distance a lot, but she managed to keep in touch: today, they talk on the internet, since the boys are older, with 19 and 16 years old. And there are sporadic reunions. “I came to live in São Paulo, got married again and once I was invited to a party in the city where they live. I had no doubts: I called their mother, said I missed them, that I wanted to see them, and even left my son with her to go to the appointment. Rafael loves his brothers and, whenever I can, I arrange for them to go to Bahia together to visit their father."

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Compulsory Away

Of course, it's not always so peaceful. Relationships, you know, can be pretty complicated – and separation often leaves no room for friendly contact. Valeria Figueiredo, 45, is a business administrator and misses her former stepchildren, with whom she lived for 18 years. “When I got married, they were 8 and 6 years old and came to live with me. I had three children with my ex-husband and we always lived together,” she says. Four years ago, Valeria met someone else and decided to separate. She and her former partner never spoke again, and their relationship with his children was also shaken. “I believed that, as adults, they would separate things better. Even because I was their mother for a long time.
it's the time! Not only emotionally but financially. I am even a godmother to the oldest daughter's first daughter, who is now 7 years old and I got the name I chose, Valentina.”

There is nothing in Brazilian law that gives rights to ex-stepfathers and ex-stepmothers, but in some cases, it is possible to file a lawsuit and obtain visitation rights. “It is still a small number, but there are already precedents that have worked. It is enough to prove that the socio-affective relationship is strong and that it would be bad for the child to lose contact with the ex-stepfather. When a minor is involved, his well-being is always put first”, explains lawyer Nelson Sussumu Shikicina, president of the Family Law Commission of the Brazilian Bar Association (OAB).

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With or without the support of the legislation, this is a delicate moment and often without a solution. In these cases, the adult can try to contact the ex-stepchild, but always respect his/her space. If the child prefers to walk away, it is necessary to accept the decision and move on with life. And there's always the possibility that the biological parent doesn't want you to keep in touch with the child. Although the ideal is for adults to ask and respect the child's wishes, unfortunately, this is not always the case. In both cases you can, after some time and if the longing still bothers you, try to rapprochement gently. “Send Christmas and birthday cards to show you care. Tell him you'd like to see him and that he's always welcome. At some point, when you grow up, you may want to get back in touch,” says English psychologist Lisa Doodson. Once again, what should be prioritized is the child's desire.

But what if your child wants to stay in touch and your ex prefers to distance himself? The best thing is to open up the game and be honest with the child. Let them know that you're separating, that the person is moving to another house, and that if your child wants to, you can talk to them about the possibility of talking from time to time. But make it clear that there is a possibility of it not working out, so the child doesn't create expectations or get frustrated or feel rejected if they don't respond. Suggest sending a drawing by mail or e-mail. Sometimes, your child just needs time to process the loss and gradually distance himself from the adult he had such close contact with. Be understanding and always stay by his side to show him that, regardless of the sufferings he will have to face throughout his life, you will always be together. That, yes, will never change.

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The article was translated by Google translator. See the original article in Portuguese, click here.