THE PROBLEM IS NOT THE FACT THAT WE COMPARE, BUT THE WAY AS AND WHEN WE COMPARE!
By Majoy Antabi
She takes care of the house, her husband and also manages Portal Múltiplos, which helps mothers of twins. A driver in her spare time and a cook by hobby, she still finds time to volunteer at a Nonprofit organization.
I'm the type of mother who hates comparing her children. At school, the teachers of my “trio” always congratulate me on the good work I've been doing.
But don't think that I was born knowing, no! That was a choice I made when I learned that I was carrying three little babies in my belly. I grew up being compared to my sister Jana. For starters, she has blue eyes, and since our names are, shall we say, a bit strange, people loved to say “the blue-eyed one” and “the brown-eyed one”.
The years passed and I grew up, almost without trauma. I don't feel uglier, worse, or less intelligent. I simply learned that I am a person with values, qualities, and defects of my own. Basically human!
The comparison doesn't necessarily have to have a negative effect on our lives. It is part of being human. We are born comparing, we learn in childhood through comparison and we often encourage ourselves to be better people with it!
And since a life without comparisons is impossible, I went to talk with Liana Kupferman, family psychotherapist, who explained to me better this whole process! I understood that we should not put a label in them with any static role such as, for instance, “the more frenzy and the more calm one”, or the “more distracted and more intelligent one”, and others. The doctor also told me
that, when we do that, normally the son who received the ‘worse’ label follows this premise and puts itself in this role.
Another gold tip that she gives us is this: “Avoid to always put the work MORE in front of the labels, never say the more frenzy but, ‘it is very frenzy today’. This way the children will know that the frenziness is something temporary and that the comparison is not with some ‘brother’. Liana says more: “We also have to know the right time to compare and compare with whom. Because when it is made right, the comparison creates a healthy comparison in the life of children, relating them with the world outside and taking the focus of the comparison between it and the brother!”
Yes, it is not easy! We have a huge responsibility in front of us for the rest of our life! And with a little effort from us, family and friends understand that, this way, we will create unique individuals who will know their values, qualities and fails without the need of a therapist. At the end, everybody gains with this wisdom”.
The article was published at the "Pais e Filhos" Magazine (Parents and Children) - Brazil, Oct 2011
The article was translated by Google translator. See the original article in Portuguese, click here.
