What are the Collateral Effects when Parents Get Divorced?
We are in a new generation. New ways of thinking, acting, the time of immediacy, fast information, and virtual world. It is also the generation of the easy divorce. But, how do children feel all this transformation in their life? Let’s agree, the world can be modern, but children are only children. The house will nevermore be the same. One of the parents will not be present every day at home, and suddenly the contact with the father/mother stays distant, many times formal if not scarce.
By Vanessa Sapiro and Liana Kupferman
In many situations, the fights of the couple that before were only at home change places, now
they are outside, by phone, during the short and feared contacts. But the worse way that
parents can fight is to use the son as a way of attacking the ex-partner. Normally when one the parties
feel that they left the separation in an inferior, hurt or betrayed position, he/she wants the child to
balance the “placard”, as a trophy, and the son finds itself in the middle of a game of cards, the
parents fighting for the “joker”. “It is mine”. “No it is mine, I saw it first...”
The fathers may use several artifices to achieve having a son as their ally, which today is known
as “Parental Alienation”. It is keen to talk bad about the ex-husband/wife, seducing the son
with gifts, doing its demands, everything to have the son to be closer to it, not to the other, so
that it can feel the “winner”.
This illusory “victory” of one of the parents has a high price to pay in the future. Symptoms of
divorce may intensify on children, maybe by feeling in the middle of a battle in which, all know,
there are no winners. Even with parents showing maturity to face the situation and taking the
maximum care to prepare the children for the separation, sometime the children will face its
questions, those that many times it would rather leave aside. In order to make this suffering
easier, it is good to pay attention to the behavior of the child; attention and care of parents,
friends and family help its healthy development. Several researches point to symptoms in
which we must pay attention: the lack of sleep and appetite; agitation, irritability, social
isolation, besides affected school performance.
Because of that, some aptitudes of the parents help a lot in this new adaptation of children:
-Have patience
-Let your son express its feelings, talk to him, make it feel safe at your side.
-Promote the contact with ex-partner and its parents, such as grandparents, uncle, cousins.
-Talk with the school – let them aware of the situation, without doing a scene about this
subject.
-Try to keep or not alternate the routine, regarding activities and timetables. Unless the child
demands it.
-Avoid to fight with your ex-spouse in front of your son.
-Do not use the child as a messenger to your ex-partner – neither to send/receive messages
and also to use it as a spy.
-Try to not feel threatened if your ex-spouse constitutes a new relation, your place of
father/mother will never be replaced. Do not let your child feel guilty by liking the new
partner; it will be good to all live in harmony.
-If you perceive that it is being hard for your son to pass through this moment, psychotherapy
may help you and also orient the family in those questions.
We can see that the separation, besides being painful for the couple, represents the disruption
of a family, feelings, and plans that were not reached, dreams not achieved; for the son, it may
be very hard to accept and adapt to this new stage.
Thus, when deciding by separation see if there is really no other alternative. Think, reflect, talk
with your partner. Separation is not easy to do when you have children. But know that the
separation will be of the couple and not of the duty to be a parent. It will always be the
father/mother of your sons. So, there is no definitive separation, as well as the separation will
not solve all your problems. But, if you opt by the separation, be prepared to face some
obstacles and make of it a final point in conflicts of the couple and not the beginning to new
problems.
People say that if we read the prescription of the medicine, we will not take it. But I know
many people that are aware of that and because of this do not read them. Be informed,
prepared and safe about the way to go. This text had this object. Children will be grateful.
Vanessa Kamkhaji Sapiro is Psychologist and Psychotherapist of Children and Specialist in Short
Psychotherapy by USG-HG.
Liana Kupferman is Clinical Psychologist Family, childish and Adult and Specialist Graduated in
Family and Couple by PUC-SP.
The article was published at the "EduJudaica" Magazine (Jewish Education) - Brazil, Jun 2011
The article was translated by Marko Petek. See the original article in Portuguese here.
